Monday, March 16, 2015

A great article found on Aha! Parenting: 5 Secrets To Nurture Intimacy with Your Child

A great article found on Aha! Parenting

5 Secrets To Nurture Intimacy with Your Child

Intimacy is the glue that holds families together. It's what connects us over the years, and across the miles. It's what gets us through the hard times. It's the grease that smooths the rough interactions of everyday life, and the honey that makes it all worth it.
Intimacy is hard to define, but we all know when we're feeling it. Whether it's crying on your best friend's shoulder after a tragedy or snuggling in companionable silence with your spouse in front of the fire, intimacy is when we feel connected.
How we humans build connections with each other, how we deepen them, and how we repair them when they fray is both as simple as a warm smile and as mysterious as the way the ground lurches when we see a picture of someone we have loved and lost.
John Gottman, one of my favorite researchers, has distilled the creating of intimate relationships down to their practical essence. It turns out that the building blocks of connection are the small overtures we make to each other every day, and the way our loved ones respond. Gottman calls these bids, as in "bids for attention." We could also call them overtures, as in opening movements.
In happy relationships, whether between spouses, parents and children, friends, or coworkers, bids are made and responded to warmly. It almost doesn't matter what the bid is about; the process of reaching out and receiving a response builds the relationship. It also increases the trust level so that we are more likely to reach out to that person again, and the content of the bids deepens.
If we begin with "What a beautiful morning!" and receive an enthusiastic agreement, we may go further and ask our spouse for help in solving a problem that's bothering us. If, on the other hand, our comment is ignored, or greeted with sarcasm, we are unlikely to make ourselves vulnerable in any way, and the relationship loses a chance to deepen.
The same process is enacted with our children in hundreds of daily interactions. If we ask our middle schooler about the upcoming school dance and receive an engaged response, we might venture further and ask whether she's nervous. If, on the other hand, our comment is ignored, or her response is surly, most of us will back off.

So how can you create a more intimate family?

1. Start by paying attention to the "bids" that go on.

What is the tone in your family? Responsive and warm? Distracted and ignoring? Hostile and sarcastic? Does anyone get ignored? Does anyone usually ignore others?

2. Focus on responding positively to your family's bids to you.

It takes real self-discipline to tear yourself away from your screen to answer a child's question, but how you respond to her overture is crucial in building closeness. More important than what you initiate with her later, when you try to get her to tell you about what happened at school today. To support yourself, make it a practice to turn off your screens when you're with your child.

3. If you don't get the response you want to your overtures to your kids, step back and watch how you initiate.

Are you inviting a positive response?

4. If you make an overture and are greeted with something hurtful -- disdain, sarcasm, or blankness -- try not to respond with anger. Instead, show your vulnerability and hurt.

Say "Ouch!" and turn away (before you give in to the temptation to lash out.) Your son or daughter (or spouse!) will almost certainly feel badly about having hurt you, especially since you haven't aroused their ire by attacking back. Later, when you aren't hurt and angry, you can tell them how it made you feel to get that response. Try to talk only about your feelings, not about them being wrong.
Intimacy is a dance. It deepens or is eroded by every interaction we have. The good news is that every interaction you have is a chance to shift onto a positive track and deepen your connection to your loved ones.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

"Does this spark joy?" Decluttering book by 30 yr old Japanese woman

I enjoyed reading a long article in the Wall Street Journal about a 30 year old (!) Japanese woman named Marie Kondo whose manifesto about tidying up and decluttering "has become a global phenomenon."  Real briefly, here are two main lessons I've already gained from reviewing the article.  I'm also planning to look at the book itself from the library.

-How to know if you can get rid of something? "Her essential question is, 'Does this spark joy?'"

-The number two point that I liked is that in order to facilitate the "transition" away from an old possession, you may say "thank you" to the item for it's service to you.  It could help you get rid of stuff.  "Thank you for being my best navy sweater for all these years, now it's time for you to serve someone else in some other way.  I will find a good replacement."

-I drew a parallel to the Jewish idea of chesbon ha'nefesh, a spiritual accounting.  A person literally goes through with paper and pencil and evaluates their progress in about a dozen major areas of personal development.  Just like we can get rid of possessions which are no longer serving us, so too should we discard character traits that are no longer doing us any good!  May Hakadosh Baruch Hu help us reach our goals!

Dealing with Anger

Dealing with anger
These ideas were gathered from a recent Mussar class with the NHBZ young families community, Aish.com, and Chabad.org, as well as wise words from people like you and me :)  There is always more that could be said about this human trait, and much more that Jewish sources teach, so here are just some that it helped me to review.
·         Aizehu Gibor? Hakovesh es yitzroWho is heroic and strong?  One who controls their urges.  BE A HERO!!!
·         Set example.  If I want my kids to conquer their anger, I need to demonstrate that it is possible. 
·         Leave doors open to communication and love.  Anger will leave burn my bridges with my children.
·         Praise the good, don’t just say “it was good behavior, but that’s what is expected.” Celebrate good behavior.  Be understanding that kids are seeking autonomy and they have to push a little to find how to express it properly.
·         If I want to yell at kids for something bad they are doing, first give myself a “mommy time out” and come back to deal with the kids’ problem which made me angry later, without anger. 
·         Remember that Hashem can see us at all times and we would be ashamed of expressing anger and not dealing with it properly.
·         If we practice controlling our anger, the “control” muscle will get stronger.
·         Set yourself and your family up for success.  Don’t make yourself so busy you are too stressed out.
·         Imagine if you heard a recording of yourself speaking while angry.
·         The Alter Rebbe says: If we believe that what happened is G‑d’s will, we would not become angry at all.
o    Getting angry means you don’t have faith that what’s happening to you is really coming from G‑d. The person you’re angry at is just a messenger. Now, obviously, he or she still had free choice, and will be held accountable. But getting angry is not the answer. Rather than asking, “Why is this person doing this bad thing?” ask a bigger question: “What is G‑d trying to tell me in this moment?” What is my test?  How can I make a tikkun?
·       In human interactions, taking ourselves out of the picture, divesting ourselves of the contaminant of ego is empowering. Not only does it allow us to get a handle on angry and damaging responses, it also allows us to do real listening and get what the other person is really about.  "This is not about me."
·      The ego, the lesser self, is prideful, territorial, arrogant and totally absorbed in its desires and wants. Anger is a reaction of the ego to a perceived affront, a sense of diminution of its power. Frequent anger attacks or outbursts should be warning signals to the individual that the lesser part of themselves has taken up too much space and dominion over their person.
·      Anger is like a blast of frigid air that withers everything in its path. 
·      The Talmud teaches: "When a person gives in to anger, if he is wise, his wisdom leaves him. If he is a prophet, his power of prophecy leaves him; if greatness was decreed for him from Heaven, anger will cause him to be degraded."
·      "Remove anger from your heart and thus remove pain from your body" –King Solomon/Koheles (Ecclesiastes)The bearer of anger is ultimately the greatest loser on every score --spiritually, emotionally and physically.